I'm Not Gonna Cry
by utano-amaya
Summary: Each of the senshi's feelings in general about life and being a soldier
1. I'm Not Gonna Cry

I was bored so I decided to write this. Tell me what u think. (R&R, e-mail address JMFreader@aol.com)  
  
I'm Not Gonna Cry  
  
Fighting alone again. What else? Always fighting, for the future, for my friends, for the world, for my family, for peace, love, and justice...for him, but never for me. I've faced demons, aliens, humans and fear. I'm not allowed to give up, to much is resting on this, always resting on me, I have to be the strong one to stand alone when everyone else cannot be.  
  
Why?  
  
Why do I let them do this to me?  
  
Or do I do it to myself?  
  
I won't hang my head, I won't back down. I'm the one to face suffering always, and I'm the one who they depend on. I can't let them fight without me, even if they've sworn to protect me. I won't let them get hurt on my account.  
  
I love them too much.  
  
So I'll face whatever comes my way strongly and then forget anything ever happened.  
  
But I hate it. Why can't I curl away and let it all disappear? Why do they want to destroy my life and why do I have to stop them? Why don't they understand?  
  
I've killed.  
  
I've seen deaths.  
  
I've been killed.  
  
And my destiny is set out for me, that is my eternity. Death. If I back down on one battle I back down on the world. So I'll keep on fighting for the ones that I hold to my heart, and I won't think or feel. I'll fight, but I'm not gonna cry.  
  
Let them take me away, so I can forget it all. The words and sentences, numbers and equations, chemicals and formulas, if I focus hard enough they are all that's there and the world disappears.  
  
I don't need to think about the fact that I am weak.  
  
I don't need to look around and notice that my father isn't here.  
  
I don't need to consider that my mother doesn't care.  
  
I don't need to face it if I just keep my head in my book. I can smile my life away, because nobody cares. Down the hall and through the crowds of heads that never turn my way, I can walk and not be seen.  
  
Why did she have to find me? Why did she disturb my loneliness? I had become numb, but she reawakened my wounds. I hadn't noticed I was alone, but now I can feel it with every breath, because having her here told me that no one else was around.  
  
Why can't she just leave me alone?  
  
And why won't I let her go?  
  
Can I be human enough to need a friend like her? I promised myself when he left me I would stay alone, and I thought then that that was exactly what I wanted. Could I have been wrong?  
  
I am alone, unless she's here.  
  
My life is a constant reminder that I don't belong. I don't belong in the world I defend, but I feel so useless. She gives me too much credit. I have no choice but to face it alone.  
  
I will stay alone.  
  
I will continue fighting.  
  
I will protect her and she will leave both fixed and broken.  
  
I will not see my father again and my mother will always be distant.  
  
Loneliness is a way of life, and no matter how much I want to, I'm not gonna cry.  
  
I hate. I hate the world around me. I work hard and I live strong. That's me, the loner who everybody fears, but nobody understands.  
  
Why did she have to come here and respect me, and love me and worry about me? Why did I have to find out my real destiny?  
  
War. That is what I am, and what I represent. I can no longer be the peaceful priestess, who minds her own business, because the safety of the world is my business. I don't understand why I had to be the one with this fate.  
  
War. The war within my heart. I am the politically correct, always distant, always logical, robot who does everything by duty and necessity. I am not lazy, I am not clumsy, and I am not what I appear to be.  
  
I am human.  
  
I am weaker than I appear.  
  
She is strong. And I want to be her, and I want to have that love for all. But I hate, I hate them and they hate me back and the entire world is against me while I protect them. I will face it all, day to day, and I'm not gonna cry.  
  
^^ - I might go on with the rest of the scouts but for now this is it. The first three senshi. I hope you like, but if you don't oh well. (I thought of this while listening to "Bring on the Rain" by Jo Dee Messina) 


	2. I'm Not Gonna Cry (2)

I got bored again so I added more. As always, I love reviews! My e- mail (should you not want to post your comments) is JMFreader@aol.com  
  
I always had my power, my intimidation. I was always able to make it because I could scare people away from hurting me like I've been hurt so many times before. I was always able to survive alone.  
  
But not anymore. She broke me, how did she see me for what I was? Wasn't I good at enough at pretending?  
  
Of course she's always like that, sweet, pure, innocent and unafraid. Her being there made me smile for the first time in years.  
  
I lost my power with that smile.  
  
Everyone feared me and I was able to keep the pain away, they wouldn't dare try to vex me if I would hurt them for it. I always felt like I was throwing myself away with the punches. But I became unfeeling to it, I was able to live because of it. I had always thought then that I would choose a friend, a real friend, over the agony of watching myself hurt those people.  
  
But I was wrong in my choice. I no longer have power over anyone, and now, I no longer have to hurt those innocent people, and I have friends. You would think this would make me happy.  
  
I am a killer.  
  
She gave me everything I wanted and then had me follow her and help her kill. I was alive because my power kept me alive. Now, I am dead.  
  
I live alone, my parents are dead, and their spirits seem to follow me in those constant hours that I am alone, and I can feel them weeping for their daughter who has killed hundreds.  
  
Their daughter who has killed her spirit and who has killed the definition of justice.  
  
I gained everything I ever wanted when I met her, and now I am living every moment of all my worst nightmares. But even if my late parents are weeping, I'm not gonna cry.  
  
Beautiful, happy-go-lucky, fun, and perky, I just brighten your day don't I? I make everyone smile and I live to sing and dance, I am full of cheer and if you met me you would never think I had a problem in the world.  
  
Of course, if you thought that you'd be wrong, more wrong than you could imagine.  
  
I was the hero. I was sworn to my duty. I was the one they cheered for.  
  
Now, they cheer for her.  
  
The only thing I ever wanted was the spotlight. It has always been my dream to have people all over the world know my name, to applaud me. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be loved.  
  
I did my best, I loved all and gave all, and for a short while it worked. Then she came along, she found out who she was, and ungratefully she accepted her role.  
  
I want that role which she despises. I am the one who needs and gives a love for all. I am the one who needs to be pulled out of loneliness. With or without that stupid title she would get everything she wanted, but because of her I can never achieve my dreams. Even in the future that has been shown to us she is the one that ends up on top.  
  
I have more experience, more talent, and more responsibility than she ever will.  
  
But she has more hidden inside herself than I ever will. She is a better person than I will ever be, and she was given gifts that I will never achieve.  
  
I want everything that she has. She has shattered my dreams, and taken my pride, everything that has happened to me has been because of her.  
  
But I am beautiful, happy-go-lucky, fun, and perky; so no matter how much I want to, I'm not gonna cry. 


End file.
